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You can do it for years without having any external signs. My parents divorced when I was three. She had extremely high expectations of my brother and me. We were never good enough. There was always something wrong with whatever we did, no matter how hard we tried. It was a way to numb my emotions, a form of escapism to help me deal with my life.
Around the age of 12, I discovered I was gay. I grew up in a small village in the middle of nowhere and had never felt like I fitted in. My sexuality added to the feeling of being an outsider. I started masturbating when I was about 11 years old. We got our first computer when I was 14, and I started looking at porn pretty much every day.
My mum would leave for work at 4. My brother and I would get up just after she had left the house, and my brother would play on the PlayStation and I would look at porn on the computer.
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Then we would swap. I was always on time for the school bus at 7am, but every day I would cut it closer than the day before. I was trying to masturbate for as a long as possible. I would try and edge for hours. I would go, swim a few lengths, and then spend 20 minutes masturbating in a cubicle in the changing room.
At weekends, I would spend all day in my room claiming to be working, but actually I would just be watching porn. But if I tried to hide anything from my mum, it would lead to crazy arguments. My first sexual experience was giving a blowjob to someone in a forest when I was I had started to chat to men online - there was no chance of me meeting people in real life.
He was 34, and not particularly attractive, but I thought it was a good start. When I was 21 and at engineering school, I met another guy online. He took me to a sauna for the first time, and it was a revelation. Suddenly I was in a place where there were all these gay men having sex. It felt wonderfully liberating.
I started going to saunas about three times a month. I was a very strong safe-sex supporter at the time.